Resistance is Futile

I guess it truly is inevitable. One day, we all wake up, look in the mirror and see our parents...

I grew up in a single parent home and while I was certainly aware of the difference (back then, most of my friends had two parents living at home), I never felt as if I were missing anything important. I never felt deprived or underprivileged, neglected or abused. I knew that we didn't have everything that we wanted and that my mother struggled constantly to make ends meet but we had everything we needed. There was never a time when we were hungry or cold or naked. 

My father's contribution, beyond the initial biological donation, was mostly empty promises. I suppose, on some level, as a child, I hoped for more occasionally; but by the time I was a teenager and working, and as I became more aware of the tenuous balancing act that my mother had been performing for my whole life -- as I began to understand the sacrifices she had made over and over again to keep from having to always say no, hope became resentment tinged with anger. 

I am not angry anymore, truly. I rarely give him a thought. Why would I? Still, once in a while, someone (usually someone who doesn't know me well), will remark how much I look like him, or worse, I will catch myself doing or saying something and realize that despite my best efforts, he has still emerged. In those instances, I feel that familiar resentment and anger. He doesn't deserve the legacy, even if I am the end of the line. More importantly, I promised myself thirty years ago that I would never be like him. I vowed that when I married, it would be forever. OK, so I was a bit naive. I was a kid. Love and forever still seemed like real concepts. Of course, so did Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. 

As it turns out, I was divorced before I turned twenty-one. Luckily, I was smart enough never to have kids of my own. I'll give a little bit of the credit for that to the guy who shares my last name. I did raise two great kids, though I had little to do with it. In the end, I was just as absent as my own father, even though I lived in the same house. At least, he could claim the 'out of state, 700 miles away defense'. I just worked a hundred hours a week.

I don't hate him or wish him ill, but I do find it almost inconceivable and rather disturbing that despite the minuscule amount of time that I spent with my father, the resemblance is still obvious, even to the very few who know both of us. --  

 It is much easier to become a father than to be one.

 ~ Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

A child arrived just the other day,
He came to the world in the usual way.
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay.
He learned to walk while I was away. 
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew,
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, dad.
You know I'm gonna be like you."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then."

My son turned ten just the other day.
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play.
Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do." He said, "That's OK."
And he walked away, but his smile never dimmed,
Said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah.
You know I'm gonna be like him."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon. 
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then.
You know we'll have a good time then." 

Well, he came from college just the other day,
So much like a man I just had to say,
"Son, I'm proud of you. Can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and he said with a smile,
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys.
See you later. Can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."

I've long since retired and my son's moved away.
I called him up just the other day.
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind."
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I could find the time.
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kid's got the flu,
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad.
It's been sure nice talking to you."
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me,
He'd grown up just like me.
My boy was just like me.

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon.
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when,
But we'll get together then, dad.
You know we'll have a good time then."

- - - - -  

• Song Lyrics: "Cats In The Cradle"
  
• Recorded by: "Harry Chapin"
  
• Written by: (Sandy Chapin, Harry Chapin)
  
• Album: "Verities & Balderdash" - 1974
  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Michael and Elizabeth, I apologize -- for everything and I love you.