Never Forget...

About five years ago, around the fifth anniversary of 9/11, I was feeling frustrated, powerless and angry. I was not sure about the war and the number of people still dying over in a land I can only imagine. I was feeling duped and mistrustful of a leader who either lied or had been misled himself. Needing somewhere, some way to channel all that negative energy and being too old to join the fight, I sat down late one night and tried to express it all with words. The result follows. I'm no Wordsworth or Frost but it helped me then. And now, on the tenth anniversary, and with Bin Laden dead, the war continues, young people are still dying and I felt the need to share... A rare occurence with my poetry.

This Hole in the Ground...

This hole in the ground was not my home,
Not even where I worked.
I knew no one who died that day,
Nor anyone who was hurt.

The loss I feel can't be explained
By personal connection,
More like a piece out of a whole
a part of a collection.

To me New York is just a place
In movies and TV,
a place for FRIENDS and CSI,
Or to watch the Yanks get beat.

My home is so much farther south,
I speak another language.
My slow, southern drawl confuses those
Who live around the Village.

This hole in the ground is not my home,
Nor ever shall it be.
But it's just over yonder from where I live,
And I take it personally.

Just like a child whose sibling's a brat,
And all they do is fuss,
But let an outsider start trouble with one,
And he takes on all of us.
- - - - - - - - - - -
©2006 Ron W Hamilton
All Rights Reserved

* ~ NEVER FORGET! ~ *

Yesterday, When I Was Young

The words are borrowed but the sentiment is mine...

Yesterday, When I Was Young

Yesterday, when I was young,
The taste of life was sweet, as rain upon my tongue,
I teased at life, as if it were a foolish game,
The way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame

The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned,
I always built, alas, on weak and shifting sand,
I lived by night, and shunned the naked light of day,
And only now, I see, how the years ran away

Yesterday, when I was young,
So many happy songs were waiting to be sung,
So many wild pleasures lay in store for me,
And so much pain, my dazzled eyes refused to see

I ran so fast that time, and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think, what life, was all about,
And every conversation, I can now recall,
Concerned itself with me, and nothing else at all

Yesterday, the moon was blue,
And every crazy day, brought something new to do,
I used my magic age, as if it were a wand,
And never saw the worst, and the emptiness beyond

The game of love I played, with arrogance and pride,
And every flame I lit, too quickly, quickly died,
The friends I made, all seemed somehow to drift away,
And only I am left, on stage to end the play

There are so many songs in me, that won't be sung,
I feel the bitter taste, of tears upon my tongue,
The time has come for me to pay,
For yesterday, when I was young

Copyright © 1969, Hampshire House Publishing
Original French Lyric and Music by Charles Aznavour
English Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer
Recorded by Roy Clark , 1965

Seven Days Makes One Weak

Well this week just keeps getting better and better.
Sunday, I ran into my ex and the grandchild. It was a tough reminder of how much I miss one of them. This along with a few other reminders of things that didn't turn out as planned led me to a few extra adult beverages and perhaps a bit heavier on the adult part. Subsequently, I began picking over my life with that fine-toothed comb reserved for pity-parties with too much booze. Of course, the next step is the all too familiar games of "What If" and "If Only", which then led to more adult beverages.

That night ended in a blur of frozen pizza full-reverse.

Woke up Monday morning with a massive, raging headache, like nothing I can remember. I've never had a hangover before so I assumed my age and stupidity had caught up with me and I deserved what I got. While I was struggling to get ready for work I suddenly got violently sick again. Almost no warning and no more pizza. It was painful. I got a text from a coworker saying she was running a bit late but was on her way. I replied that I, too, was dragging. Actually I believe I said, "Dying but trying".

I soon determined that there was a direct correlation between my movement and my getting sick. If I did one, I did the other. This made getting ready problematic, to say the least.

I texted my coworker again to let her know that things had changed and I would not make it in. Anyone who has known me for more than a week, knows that I do not ever call out or miss work unscheduled. If I do, I am usually at a doctor's office fighting off death.

By this time I am lying in the floor of my bathroom because, well, because of the discovery I mentioned above. I spent three hours lying right there in the bathroom floor. I slept on and off I think but mostly I just was afraid to move. When I did finally move again, it was back to my bed, where I spent the remainder of the day. I slept off and on for another 6 or 7 hours fighting this blazing headache that made me feel as if my head was swollen and my eyes were going to pop out of my head. Even my eyelids felt swollen. I began to suspect this was not about the alcohol.

Tuesday, I felt better so I went to work. Still a little less than great but the nausea was almost completely gone and the headache was a dull manageable throb. Work dragged on for days but eventually it ended.

I spent most of the day wondering what my crazy job was going to do about my being out on a Monday, unscheduled with no Dr's excuse. Yes, I am serious and no I am not in Elementary school. I knew that Mondays were a big deal but I certainly didn't plan any of this. I was a little concerned and a little relieved when no mention was made.

Wednesday, I was almost back to normal and glad to be. Work was mostly uneventful and I was more concerned than relieved when still no one mentioned my absence. My coworkers, of course, did. They asked how I was and all the normal, proper and socially responsible questions but nothing from the regime.

Thursday was a little slow but I was definitely feeling better. The headache barely registered most of the time and the nausea was a memory. Thank goodness. I hate to be sick. I made it all the way to lunchtime before I finally got the news. Did a manager speak to me? A superior? HR? No. My coworker told me that I was going to be suspended for 2 days for being out Monday, unexcused.

Wait, I missed work so to punish me for not coming to work, you want me to not come to work some more? I didn't get it in school and I don't get it now. My theory is, if I am a slacker who doesn't want to work or likes to lay out, then giving me 2 days off is not punishment. If I have been there for 6½ years and haven't been out 6 days unscheduled, then punishing me for being deathly ill seems just asinine. Just my thoughts on it... whatever... mini vaca.

It seems that I might have forgotten some important elements to the story...

Monday evening, when I finally crawled out of bed, I texted my best friend, who was supposed to find out about a job, to check and see how things went. I got no response. Later that night, I got a long rambling text from her about how much she loved me and her friends and her family and how life is short and remembering to let those you love know how you feel... I replied with a solid "WTF? Everything OK?". No response. Twenty minutes later, I sent "Talk to me. What's wrong?". Still nothing. Then I start getting texts from mutual friends, have I heard from her, did I get a weird text from her, is she with me, etc. No one knows where she is. She will not respond to anyone's calls or texts. People are freaking out.

Now I understand the need for alone time occasionally. Everybody gets there. But crazy texts and radio silence and disappearing off the grid is unacceptable. It is irresponsible and it is plain old thoughtless.

I have no doubt my friend is going to read this and may very well be mad. I may be putting a lot out there. A lot of private stuff including some serious health issues that are part of this story. But I am very careful not to use names and only the few people who already know us and the situation might be able to figure out what is going on here. For anyone else, this could be a crazy short story... or not so short.

Obviously, she was eventually found and is fine, well, that part may be up for debate. Tonight we hung out with some other friends and watched some TV and laughed and acted like all was well with the world. It is not.

I get home and I knew from an earlier text that she had updated her blog and so I went to read up knowing that I would get some insight into her thoughts and feelings because, like me, she emotes and expresses through writing far better than talking to anyone. I thought I was prepared for some peek into her mind, her fears, her doubts, her anger, and whatever had gone on Monday. I was not prepared.

Knowing that there are some health issues already involved and it has taken its toll in very facet, I cannot imagine the stress and strain. Add to that a long unemployment and it boggles my mind how she even gets out of bed some mornings. Now top it all off with a big old c-word that isn't cherry. Apparently, the latest news from the doctor included a mention of the possibility of cancer. There are some things you don't joke about, you don't take lightly and you don't let your friend, your best friend, read in your blog.

I am all at once, stunned, speechless, hurt, mad as hell, and scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do with any of that, much less all of it. The only emotion I've ever been any good at was anger so almost everything manifests itself that way.

But who am I mad at? Who do I curse? Who can I take a swing at?

I believe the word is impotent. These days, that word automatically means a little blue pill but there is no pill to fix this. And if I am struggling with all this from here, I cannot even fathom what it must be like to be her.

I didn't mean for this to be so long but remember, this is how I express, emote and purge. Thankfully nobody actually reads this crap. Those who do, thanks for everything.