Well this week just keeps getting better and better.
Sunday, I ran into my ex and the grandchild. It was a tough reminder of how much I miss one of them. This along with a few other reminders of things that didn't turn out as planned led me to a few extra adult beverages and perhaps a bit heavier on the adult part. Subsequently, I began picking over my life with that fine-toothed comb reserved for pity-parties with too much booze. Of course, the next step is the all too familiar games of "What If" and "If Only", which then led to more adult beverages.
That night ended in a blur of frozen pizza full-reverse.
Woke up Monday morning with a massive, raging headache, like nothing I can remember. I've never had a hangover before so I assumed my age and stupidity had caught up with me and I deserved what I got. While I was struggling to get ready for work I suddenly got violently sick again. Almost no warning and no more pizza. It was painful. I got a text from a coworker saying she was running a bit late but was on her way. I replied that I, too, was dragging. Actually I believe I said, "Dying but trying".
I soon determined that there was a direct correlation between my movement and my getting sick. If I did one, I did the other. This made getting ready problematic, to say the least.
I texted my coworker again to let her know that things had changed and I would not make it in. Anyone who has known me for more than a week, knows that I do not ever call out or miss work unscheduled. If I do, I am usually at a doctor's office fighting off death.
By this time I am lying in the floor of my bathroom because, well, because of the discovery I mentioned above. I spent three hours lying right there in the bathroom floor. I slept on and off I think but mostly I just was afraid to move. When I did finally move again, it was back to my bed, where I spent the remainder of the day. I slept off and on for another 6 or 7 hours fighting this blazing headache that made me feel as if my head was swollen and my eyes were going to pop out of my head. Even my eyelids felt swollen. I began to suspect this was not about the alcohol.
Tuesday, I felt better so I went to work. Still a little less than great but the nausea was almost completely gone and the headache was a dull manageable throb. Work dragged on for days but eventually it ended.
I spent most of the day wondering what my crazy job was going to do about my being out on a Monday, unscheduled with no Dr's excuse. Yes, I am serious and no I am not in Elementary school. I knew that Mondays were a big deal but I certainly didn't plan any of this. I was a little concerned and a little relieved when no mention was made.
Wednesday, I was almost back to normal and glad to be. Work was mostly uneventful and I was more concerned than relieved when still no one mentioned my absence. My coworkers, of course, did. They asked how I was and all the normal, proper and socially responsible questions but nothing from the regime.
Thursday was a little slow but I was definitely feeling better. The headache barely registered most of the time and the nausea was a memory. Thank goodness. I hate to be sick. I made it all the way to lunchtime before I finally got the news. Did a manager speak to me? A superior? HR? No. My coworker told me that I was going to be suspended for 2 days for being out Monday, unexcused.
Wait, I missed work so to punish me for not coming to work, you want me to not come to work some more? I didn't get it in school and I don't get it now. My theory is, if I am a slacker who doesn't want to work or likes to lay out, then giving me 2 days off is not punishment. If I have been there for 6½ years and haven't been out 6 days unscheduled, then punishing me for being deathly ill seems just asinine. Just my thoughts on it... whatever... mini vaca.
It seems that I might have forgotten some important elements to the story...
Monday evening, when I finally crawled out of bed, I texted my best friend, who was supposed to find out about a job, to check and see how things went. I got no response. Later that night, I got a long rambling text from her about how much she loved me and her friends and her family and how life is short and remembering to let those you love know how you feel... I replied with a solid "WTF? Everything OK?". No response. Twenty minutes later, I sent "Talk to me. What's wrong?". Still nothing. Then I start getting texts from mutual friends, have I heard from her, did I get a weird text from her, is she with me, etc. No one knows where she is. She will not respond to anyone's calls or texts. People are freaking out.
Now I understand the need for alone time occasionally. Everybody gets there. But crazy texts and radio silence and disappearing off the grid is unacceptable. It is irresponsible and it is plain old thoughtless.
I have no doubt my friend is going to read this and may very well be mad. I may be putting a lot out there. A lot of private stuff including some serious health issues that are part of this story. But I am very careful not to use names and only the few people who already know us and the situation might be able to figure out what is going on here. For anyone else, this could be a crazy short story... or not so short.
Obviously, she was eventually found and is fine, well, that part may be up for debate. Tonight we hung out with some other friends and watched some TV and laughed and acted like all was well with the world. It is not.
I get home and I knew from an earlier text that she had updated her blog and so I went to read up knowing that I would get some insight into her thoughts and feelings because, like me, she emotes and expresses through writing far better than talking to anyone. I thought I was prepared for some peek into her mind, her fears, her doubts, her anger, and whatever had gone on Monday. I was not prepared.
Knowing that there are some health issues already involved and it has taken its toll in very facet, I cannot imagine the stress and strain. Add to that a long unemployment and it boggles my mind how she even gets out of bed some mornings. Now top it all off with a big old c-word that isn't cherry. Apparently, the latest news from the doctor included a mention of the possibility of cancer. There are some things you don't joke about, you don't take lightly and you don't let your friend, your best friend, read in your blog.
I am all at once, stunned, speechless, hurt, mad as hell, and scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do with any of that, much less all of it. The only emotion I've ever been any good at was anger so almost everything manifests itself that way.
But who am I mad at? Who do I curse? Who can I take a swing at?
I believe the word is impotent. These days, that word automatically means a little blue pill but there is no pill to fix this. And if I am struggling with all this from here, I cannot even fathom what it must be like to be her.
I didn't mean for this to be so long but remember, this is how I express, emote and purge. Thankfully nobody actually reads this crap. Those who do, thanks for everything.
