7 things I learned in 7 Years of Fatherhood

 It's been a little over seven years since I have posted a new blog entry. I don't expect even the most ardent of followers are waiting on the edge of their seat for another installment. Nevertheless, I felt the urge to follow up the last post "Seven Things I've Learned in Seven Months" with an update. Better late than never.

Here is a list of seven things I've learned in the seven years since becoming a father:

1. That beautiful, sweet girl from a few years ago has been replaced by a mouthy, brat with an attitude that sometimes tests my reluctance to go to jail.
2.  A houseful of females can get quite tense long before 3/4 of them even have periods. Gives new meaning to PMS (PRE-menstrual).
3. Sometimes (far too often) I see or hear myself in one of my kids. 
4. Sometimes, I see or hear my mom come right out of my mouth. 
5. No one can hurt me quite like my kids.
6. I owe my mom so many apologies. How I wish I could.
7. I have learned a great deal but I still have so much to learn. 

And because we all know that I can't count... or stick to anything... (and to continue with the precedent that I set with the last list...) possibly the biggest revelation of all:

My greatest fears are all about my kids. I'm counting this as one thing but it has subsets...

• How badly am I screwing up these humans?
• How did my mother survive my childhood/teen years?
• How do I balance the need to protect and keep them safe with the knowledge that they need to play and interact with others and make choices and learn consequences?

These are all questions, so maybe this is the wrong blog for them. Maybe in seven more years, I'll have those answers and can write another. 

Seven Things I've Learned in Seven Months

Before my daughter was born, I wrote (OK, pilfered, paraphrased, and possibly plagiarized) a blog entry titled 99 things I hope to teach my daughter. Now, here we are, more than seven months in and I thought I'd share seven things I've learned. The things that she's learned had nothing to do with me. The things I've learned are all because of her.

1. There is nothing better than the great big grin on her face when I walk into a room.
2. There is no sound sweeter than her laugh.
3. I can change diapers, wipe snotty noses and clean up spit up without a hazmat suit or throwing up.
4. Not all babies look like aliens (it seems most don't in fact).
5. Babies go through a LOT of diapers and baby wipes. A. Freaking. Lot.
6. Eat, sleep, pee, eat, sleep, poop, eat, sleep, pee, and repeat.
7. I have a lot to learn. (But I've learned a lot.)

One bonus item that isn't on the numbered list only because it isn't technically from the baby... Mommy's job never ends. Thank goodness for mommy.

Thanksgiving may be hard to swallow this year

With the approach of the holidays, I find myself in the familiar and unenviable position of being torn between all the blessings I should be thankful for and remembering that this is my first ever Thanksgiving without my mom. This is complicated by the fact that this week also marks the seven month anniversary of her death. Hard to imagine.
My mom loved the holidays. The food, the fellowship, the family, the food. So many things remind me of her. So many little things. This will be an event.
We are going to go to my sister's as I have most years when I could. Eating in the same place we had Thanksgiving last year with my mom. I don't know how to prepare for this. I don't like being ill prepared. Much less unprepared. I am writing this mostly as a cathartic exercise in hopes it will help. I am not fooled. I am not naive. Maybe a little desperate. I am trying not to imagine Christmas. That is a whole other ball game. And it falls on the eight month anniversary of my mom's funeral. Dandy.

In the Arms of the Angels

Three weeks after my last post, I lost my mom, quite suddenly. It's been nearly four months and I am no closer to understanding, no closer to acceptance, and certainly no closer to OK. This, just two weeks before my beautiful daughter was born. Mom had been so excited about my first child. A child no one ever expected. A grandchild she had given up on. (Yes, she has four awesome and monstrously talented grandkids she saw daily, but none from me.)
At forty-five (when we found out) no one was as surprised as I was. No one was more excited than my mom. Every time I talked to her, she asked (usually her first words) "do we have a baby yet". The last time I called (the night before the morning I got "the call" was no exception. I told her soon. We talked about how we would get up there as soon as we could after so she could see the baby. I told her I would call her again soon. She sounded tired and I didn't want to aggravate an already delicate balance. (Another story, another time.)
I am forever grateful that I made that call that night as it was the last time I spoke to her (or at least that she spoke to me). I am constantly thinking of the things I did or didn't and the shoulda, woulda, couldas. I missed going home this last Christmas. I am thankful we made it for Thanksgiving. It still pains me to think about. My mom loved Christmas.
I know this blog isn't very organized and is, in fact, quite rambling but this is my mind in its rawest form.
I have mentioned this on Facebook and to friends and family more than once but almost every day I find myself wanting to tell her something. Every day, I long to see her holding Annaliese or to ask who she sees in her or did my sister or I do this or that. Every milestone makes me miss her more. I have a million pictures of Annaliese and a couple dozen or so of my mom but the fact that I will never have one of my mom holding my daughter just twists inside of me. I keep trying not to dwell on all this but it never goes away.
 I want to try to start writing here more regularly again and as disjointed and disorganized as this was, I needed to start by getting this out. I want to move forward and focus on my beautiful girl and her mom and siblings. If anyone still reads this, I'm sorry. And thanks.

99 Things I Hope to Teach My Daughter

I am in my mid forties and about to have my first child. It is and has already been life-altering, eye-opening, scary, exciting and so many things. I recently ran across a blog or article that intrigued me and so I did what anyone would, I copied it and pasted it and combed through and modified it to my own personality and beliefs. I expect more than a few of these will change over the years at least to some degree and most likely I’ll end up learning as much as she. But for now, in all my ignorance, this is what I hope to instill in this wonderful, beautiful, little person that is part me and part Jennifer. I hope and pray that the parts of each of us are the right parts. 

(I apologize that I forgot to get the link or author’s name as some of these are all but unchanged and plagiarism is not my goal.)

1. You are absolutely and undeniably unique.  You are one of a kind; there is no one else exactly like you in the world.  BE YOURSELF.  If someone cannot accept you for who you are, you do not need them.

2. Life is not a race or competition.  Never compare yourself to where the people around you are.  Your plan is different than anyone else's. Remember that. You only need to be better than the you from yesterday.

3. Always set goals…  Even small ones.  We are creatures of progression.  Post your goals where you can see them and always picture yourself accomplishing them.
   
   
4.  Lists are your friend.  Make them, and enjoy the glorious feeling of crossing off an item when it is done.

5. Step outside your comfort zone.  You may often be surprised and amazed.

6. You're never too old for Harry Potter, superheroes, or animated movies.
   
   
7. Everything is always okay in the end.  If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

8. Nothing you do can make me stop loving you. NOTHING. This should probably be number 1 and number 17 and number 36 and number 49.

9. True beauty comes from the inside.  Believe that.  The media lies. Beauty doesn’t have a size or a shape. Don't compare yourself or your looks.  Comparison is the thief of joy.  You ARE beautiful.
   
   
10. Read. A good book can be solace, adventure, or escape. If you read something you don’t understand, stop and find out what it means. Never stop learning. Never stop reading.

11.  We don't stop playing when we get old.  We get old because we stop playing. Watch your silly old man. I hope I never grow up so much that I can’t play and have fun.
    
    
12. Friends can make or break you.  Seek out good friends and always be the kind of friend you wish you had.

13. Don't be a people-pleaser.  Just be honest and do what's right, even if it's not popular.

14. Live alone at least once in your life. You will learn more about yourself in that time than you ever can imagine.

15. When/if you start feeling sorry for yourself, find someone to serve.  Do something nice for someone.  Find someone who is worse off than you are… There are always plenty.

16. Chronic complaining is unattractive.  Develop your problem-solving skills.  If you aren't willing to make the proper change, you aren't allowed to whine about the problem.
    
    
17. There are things dogs understand, that people don't.  Cuddle a puppy when you're having a sad day.
    
    
18. Never deny an adventure… to yourself or to anyone else.
    
    
19. Don't lose perspective.  Remember “Perception is Reality”. If you believe it, it is true. But also remember that if someone else believes something, it is just as true for them. Neither of you have to be right or wrong. Tolerance, compassion, acceptance, these will take you so much further than judgment and ridicule.
    
    
20. NOTHING in the world is more important than family. Family is there when nothing else is. Family loves you when no one else does. Not even yourself. Family accepts you no matter what. Family always wants you close. (Try to remember, no matter what, your brother and sister are family and they love you.)

21. Keep a journal.  Write your story.  It's therapy. It doesn’t have to be perfect or pretty. It can be the best and cheapest therapy there is. Write a poem, song, story, or a letter. You don’t have to send it or show it to anyone, ever, but the cathartic effect of getting it out is immeasurable.
    
    
22. Your mom and dad work hard to support this family.  I love your mom and you so much.  I’m not perfect but I try. Never settle for anyone who loves you less or treats you worse than I treat you or your mom.

23. Don't be afraid to do things yourself… But don’t be afraid to ask for help. Both are important. It is OK to try. It is OK to fail. It is OK to ask for help. It is not OK not to try.
    
    
24. Part of doing things yourself is making mistakes.  Mistakes can always be fixed. I have made more than my share and I always learn something. (Sometimes it’s just not to do that again.)
    
    
25. You never know who is watching and looking up to you.  Never forget that you are always an example to someone. It may not be who you think.
    
    
26. Be kind to everyone… Even strangers.  You don't know what they are going through.  Treat everyone you meet as if it's their birthday. The waitress who seemed inattentive – maybe her mom is sick or her kid. Maybe her last customer was rude. Smile. Be the difference.

27. Hard work will get you further than anything in life. If it is worth having, it is worth working for.
    
    
28. Learn to see the beauty in the world.  It's all around.  You just have to open your eyes. Your mom can show you so much beauty that most people just overlook. Watch her and listen when she talks about photography. She sees beauty everywhere except a mirror. I am amazed by that. Nothing compares to her in my eyes.

29. Take road trips often. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far, sometimes just the drive is worth it.

30. There is more to life than money.  Money can never make you happy.  Debt will rot your soul.  Avoid unnecessary debt. Learn to live with less. If you want more than you can have, you will never be happy. Figure out how to live with less and everything else is gravy.
    
    
31. Music is a language best understood by the heart. It can soothe and mollify, it can change your mood. It can bring peace or joy or sometimes it can wallow in the mire with you. Just don’t let it keep you down.

32. Don't believe anyone who says your favorite band/music/poem/book is lame. Refer to number 1.
    
    
33. Laugh every single day.  A sense of humor is worth more than gold. Laughter can heal.
    
    
34. Happiness is a journey.  It's a mood.  It is NOT a destination. You can be happy amidst trials. If you were happy all the time, how would you know? We must have something to compare to. Rain before rainbows.
    
    
35. Always eat breakfast.
    
    
36. A bowl of popcorn and a classic movie can mend a heart. Gene Kelly and his tap-dancing feet or Julie Andrews and the Von Trapps will take your problems away for 1.5 – 2 hours.

37. Camping is one of life's greatest pleasures.  Do it at least once a year. Do it with your dad whenever possible.
    
    
38. True love is doing the dishes together and inside jokes over silly things. Sometimes it is doing nothing with someone or doing something you don’t want to for the other person, either because they want to, or because they don’t.

39. You're never too busy for a long bubble bath. If you think you are too busy, you probably need one.
    
    
40. Celebrate your heritage/history.  My grandfather was one of the greatest men who ever lived.  Ask me about him. I miss him still.
    
    
41. I will never get mad at you for staying up too late reading a good book (as long as you do what you’re supposed to the next morning).
    
    
42. Be detail oriented. Anyone can make a broad plan, (even me) but it’s the finer points that matter. You can paint a house with a roller but not the Mona Lisa.
    
    
43. Star Trek TOS will never go out of style. Same goes for the original Star Wars trilogy.
    
    
44. No excuses.  Just woman-up and get things done! It’s OK to feel overwhelmed as long as you let it push you forward and not hold you back.
    
    
45. A good pair of shoes is an investment. Nothing is worse than being stuck in uncomfortable shoes all day.
    
    
46. Trust takes a long time to earn, be so careful to not break it. It is much harder to repair. Often impossible.
    
    
47. Make friends with your cousins.  Those relationships get even better with age. Ask Laurel or DeeDee.
    
    
48. Treat yourself to a milkshake on a really bad day. Just balance that with a salad on a decent day. J

49. There's no such thing as too many pillows.

50. Your name holds special meaning to us. We chose it very specifically. We spent a long time searching for the perfect moniker for you. Always say it with pride and an expectation of respect. See #1.
    
    
51. A strong man isn't threatened by a strong woman.
    
    
52. Life is a gift. Sometimes this one is easy to forget but if you come to me, I will remind you how very special you are and what a gift you are to me.
    
    
53. The painful truth is always better than a messy lie. Always be honest. I cannot stress this enough. There is never a good reason to lie.
    
    
54. Good communication is a skill that should always be worked on. It is not something you learn and finish. Everyone is different, everyone is unique. Learn each and every person’s language.
    
    
55. When it rains, pause to go jump in a puddle.  Dance, while you're at it.
    
    
56. Understand your worth.  If someone isn't willing to treat you like a queen, they aren't worth your time.  Don't ever, ever settle just to save yourself from being alone.
    
    
57. Girls can like Star Wars/Star Trek/Firefly/Serenity too.
    
    
58. Never play the victim.  If bad things happen, it's for a reason. We rise from the ashes.  We don't feel sorry for ourselves. Get up, dust yourself off, and move forward. One step. Always forward. Onward and upward.
    
    
59. Wickedness can NEVER lead to happiness. You cannot build yourself up by tearing others down.
    
    
60. It's not your place to judge.  Ever.
    
    
61. Forgive.  Even when they never say sorry. Forgiveness is not for them.
    
    
62. Don't ever count on someone else to make you happy. It can happen and will but you should be able to be happy by yourself.
    
    
63. There's no shame in having milk and Oreos for breakfast occasionally.
    
    
64. Be brave enough to try new foods at least once.
    
    
65. Fresh fruit over vanilla ice cream is one of the best things you will eat all summer long.
    
    
66. Be the first to volunteer when someone needs help. It may one day be you or someone you love who needs it.
    
    
67. Go to the beach/mountains often, even if only for the day.
    
    
68. Get a library card. Use it.
    
    
69. Fight for what matters. Don’t fight to fight. But fight when it matters.
    
    
70. Learn something from everyone. Learn what to do or what not to do, but learn.
    
    
71. Nobody likes a know-it-all.
    
    
72. Mean everything you say.  Keep your word.  Say what you mean. No one knows what you’re thinking, only what you tell them.
    
    
73. Don't live in the past.  You can't drive forward if you're stuck looking in a rear view mirror.  You will keep crashing.  Look FORWARD, and occasionally glance back to keep things in check.
    
    
74. Don't wait for things to happen.  Make them happen.
    
    
75. Drink lots of water.

76. Eat healthier than your parents.
    
    
77. Most of the things you worry about never happen. Stop worrying.
    
    
78. I will always want to hear from you. Always.
    
    
79. Being passive aggressive is immature.  When you have a problem with something or someone, do the right thing and talk to them about it.  It's hard.  But it's better.
    
    
80. Never attack the person.  Attack the problem.
    
    
81. It never hurts to ask. The worst anyone can say is no.
    
    
82. You can't change what people think about you.  Be your best self, and that is enough.
    
    
83. If you're bored, clean your room or organize your closet.
    
    
84. Go thrift shopping often. It is a good feeling to find that SUPER deal.

85. Girls can use power tools too.
    
    
86. Get to know yourself.  And LOVE yourself.  But remember, it's not always about YOU.  Think of others, and be there to lift them up.
    
    
87. Your life has a reason, and you have a great work to do.  Look for opportunities around you to make a difference.
    
    
88. Being consistent is the best way to not have drama.
    
    
89. Pay your bills on time. The due date is when it is due by, not the day to start thinking about it.
    
    
90. People-watching is never a waste of time.
    
    
91. If someone tells you your dream is impossible, they are wrong.
    
    
92. You are a creation of two people's love.  No one has ever loved anyone more than I love your mom.

93. There will be times that we will disagree. Remember I love you. There will be times your mom and I will disagree. We love you and each other. No matter what. We love you. Love does not mean that you always agree. It simply means that no matter what your stand is, what your belief or position, I accept you and I respect your right to make up your own mind.
    
    
94. Marry someone who is fun to be around and makes you laugh.  If you can't laugh together when you accidentally put too much Sriracha into your meal, you're going to have a hard time.
    
    
95. Climb trees, walk barefoot in the grass, and at least once, swim in the ocean in all of your clothes.
    
    
96. Take LOTS of pictures. Be on both sides of the camera. You may hate it now, but one day, one day, you will cherish the pictures you have and wonder why there aren’t more. Trust me on this.

97. Poetry is about finding yourself in someone else’s words. Lyrics are poetry set to music but sometimes, that distracts. Learn to love poetry.

98. There will come a time when I won’t have an answer to your question(s). I am not looking forward to this time. That moment when you realize that I don’t know it all and I am making it up as I go along and hoping not to make a mess of you and your life. Just remember that everything I ever say or do is all about the love that I have for you, the hopes and dreams that I hold for you and the faith that I have in you.
    
    
99. You are the master of your fate.  You are the captain of your soul.*

 * from Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Mayberry Mourns

What a sad, sad day.
In what has to be a national tragedy, beloved actor Andy Griffith, who raised untold generations of kids with his tv son Opie, has passed at 86. I have literally shed tears as if my own grandfather had breathed his last, again.
If that wasn't enough sadness, a local celebrity (how he would laugh), has fought the great fight and lost. Ken "K.C." Carlisle, was one of the first people I had business dealings with when I moved to Dothan, almost 17 years ago. A nicer guy you couldn't have conjured.
As sad as it is, I don't think KC could have asked for better than going out with Andy. Both will be missed and probably for many of the same reasons. The easy smile, the natural warmth, and the feeling that you are among family, are qualities that seem to fit both. As much as I wish l could claim to be friends with either or both, this is just the ramblings of an acquaintance (at best) and a fan.
As a human, it makes me wonder... What legacy will I leave?
From someone who oft doubts the very existence of an afterlife, the sure confidence with which Andy sang the old standards like "I am Bound for the Promised Land", and "When We All Get To Heaven" almost serves as proof positive that he will be playing his old guitar on the front porch with several old friends tonight.
Maybe tomorrow he and KC will go fishing.

Finales, Spin-offs, and Denny Crane

In this month of season finales, I can't help but to consider the shows that last, and those that don't. The ones where you get closure and the vast majority that don't. I can't help but wonder about the shows that run past their prime, and those that "jump the shark" as it were.

If I compare my life to a sit-com, I'm long past funny, past stagnant. I've reached the point where the older couple would adopt a child. Or the smarter co-star would die, leaving a flailing, less than whole cast and a fading star to change careers and/or maybe adopt a kid.
I don't see me adopting a kid and there is no co-star, so I suppose it might be time to look for a spin-off.
New job, new city, hell if I'm lucky, maybe a hot, new co-star.

Or maybe this show has had its run. Maybe it doesn't get renewed or a spin-off. No new Darren, no new neighbor or landlord. Maybe it's time for the traveling one-man show... Shatner style.

If Kirk can become Denny Crane, and Mal can become Castle, maybe, just maybe, there is hope for a new character. Let's just hope I can skip the TJ Hooker and Drive and please, please, the Arachniphobia periods.
Kirk out...
Denny Crane.

Year of the Dork

So I'm watching TV and the disembodied voice of Tim Allen asks, "where is your road to happiness". I'm not sure what that has to do with soup but it made me think. What is my road to happiness? Did I miss the exit? Am I even in the right town? There is no GPS for the road of life but I'm pretty sure if I had one it would sound like Dean Winters in a Geico commercial... "recalculating".

I realized that I've spent the last several years not actively trying to accomplish anything, not chasing any dreams, just coasting along through life, waiting to die. I wasn't even ambitious enough to try to end it. More like a passive suicide.

Now past 40, in a dead end job and living alone, hours from the nearest hint of family, in a town with nothing left to offer, it has become clear that I have wasted at least half of my life (statistically), possibly two-thirds (based on family history).

Not only am I doing nothing, I'm not even pretending to try and change it. I've even given up the illusion that is New Years resolutions.

But I did make a resolution, of sorts, recently. I decided that I am fed up with certain things that I cannot control and fed up with the lack of action that has left me in that position for so long. I decided there were things I want to do or do again.

I had dreams once, dreams I let go of. Some I forgot. Some I gave up on. Some I just let slip away.

Once I figured all this out, I decided that whether I have twenty more years or forty, I was through just waiting for my time to be up. I do not want to go gentle into that good night. Not yet, anyway.

So I proclaimed this the Year of the Dork. My year. The year I go for what I want. The year I stop 'just being' and try to revitalize a stagnant existence. I will cast my lot into the wind and let it choose my path.

I will not take no for an answer... At least not without a reasonable explanation.

Never Forget...

About five years ago, around the fifth anniversary of 9/11, I was feeling frustrated, powerless and angry. I was not sure about the war and the number of people still dying over in a land I can only imagine. I was feeling duped and mistrustful of a leader who either lied or had been misled himself. Needing somewhere, some way to channel all that negative energy and being too old to join the fight, I sat down late one night and tried to express it all with words. The result follows. I'm no Wordsworth or Frost but it helped me then. And now, on the tenth anniversary, and with Bin Laden dead, the war continues, young people are still dying and I felt the need to share... A rare occurence with my poetry.

This Hole in the Ground...

This hole in the ground was not my home,
Not even where I worked.
I knew no one who died that day,
Nor anyone who was hurt.

The loss I feel can't be explained
By personal connection,
More like a piece out of a whole
a part of a collection.

To me New York is just a place
In movies and TV,
a place for FRIENDS and CSI,
Or to watch the Yanks get beat.

My home is so much farther south,
I speak another language.
My slow, southern drawl confuses those
Who live around the Village.

This hole in the ground is not my home,
Nor ever shall it be.
But it's just over yonder from where I live,
And I take it personally.

Just like a child whose sibling's a brat,
And all they do is fuss,
But let an outsider start trouble with one,
And he takes on all of us.
- - - - - - - - - - -
©2006 Ron W Hamilton
All Rights Reserved

* ~ NEVER FORGET! ~ *

Yesterday, When I Was Young

The words are borrowed but the sentiment is mine...

Yesterday, When I Was Young

Yesterday, when I was young,
The taste of life was sweet, as rain upon my tongue,
I teased at life, as if it were a foolish game,
The way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame

The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned,
I always built, alas, on weak and shifting sand,
I lived by night, and shunned the naked light of day,
And only now, I see, how the years ran away

Yesterday, when I was young,
So many happy songs were waiting to be sung,
So many wild pleasures lay in store for me,
And so much pain, my dazzled eyes refused to see

I ran so fast that time, and youth at last ran out,
I never stopped to think, what life, was all about,
And every conversation, I can now recall,
Concerned itself with me, and nothing else at all

Yesterday, the moon was blue,
And every crazy day, brought something new to do,
I used my magic age, as if it were a wand,
And never saw the worst, and the emptiness beyond

The game of love I played, with arrogance and pride,
And every flame I lit, too quickly, quickly died,
The friends I made, all seemed somehow to drift away,
And only I am left, on stage to end the play

There are so many songs in me, that won't be sung,
I feel the bitter taste, of tears upon my tongue,
The time has come for me to pay,
For yesterday, when I was young

Copyright © 1969, Hampshire House Publishing
Original French Lyric and Music by Charles Aznavour
English Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer
Recorded by Roy Clark , 1965