In the Arms of the Angels

Three weeks after my last post, I lost my mom, quite suddenly. It's been nearly four months and I am no closer to understanding, no closer to acceptance, and certainly no closer to OK. This, just two weeks before my beautiful daughter was born. Mom had been so excited about my first child. A child no one ever expected. A grandchild she had given up on. (Yes, she has four awesome and monstrously talented grandkids she saw daily, but none from me.)
At forty-five (when we found out) no one was as surprised as I was. No one was more excited than my mom. Every time I talked to her, she asked (usually her first words) "do we have a baby yet". The last time I called (the night before the morning I got "the call" was no exception. I told her soon. We talked about how we would get up there as soon as we could after so she could see the baby. I told her I would call her again soon. She sounded tired and I didn't want to aggravate an already delicate balance. (Another story, another time.)
I am forever grateful that I made that call that night as it was the last time I spoke to her (or at least that she spoke to me). I am constantly thinking of the things I did or didn't and the shoulda, woulda, couldas. I missed going home this last Christmas. I am thankful we made it for Thanksgiving. It still pains me to think about. My mom loved Christmas.
I know this blog isn't very organized and is, in fact, quite rambling but this is my mind in its rawest form.
I have mentioned this on Facebook and to friends and family more than once but almost every day I find myself wanting to tell her something. Every day, I long to see her holding Annaliese or to ask who she sees in her or did my sister or I do this or that. Every milestone makes me miss her more. I have a million pictures of Annaliese and a couple dozen or so of my mom but the fact that I will never have one of my mom holding my daughter just twists inside of me. I keep trying not to dwell on all this but it never goes away.
 I want to try to start writing here more regularly again and as disjointed and disorganized as this was, I needed to start by getting this out. I want to move forward and focus on my beautiful girl and her mom and siblings. If anyone still reads this, I'm sorry. And thanks.