I realized that I've spent the last several years not actively trying to accomplish anything, not chasing any dreams, just coasting along through life, waiting to die. I wasn't even ambitious enough to try to end it. More like a passive suicide.
Now past 40, in a dead end job and living alone, hours from the nearest hint of family, in a town with nothing left to offer, it has become clear that I have wasted at least half of my life (statistically), possibly two-thirds (based on family history).
Not only am I doing nothing, I'm not even pretending to try and change it. I've even given up the illusion that is New Years resolutions.
But I did make a resolution, of sorts, recently. I decided that I am fed up with certain things that I cannot control and fed up with the lack of action that has left me in that position for so long. I decided there were things I want to do or do again.
I had dreams once, dreams I let go of. Some I forgot. Some I gave up on. Some I just let slip away.
Once I figured all this out, I decided that whether I have twenty more years or forty, I was through just waiting for my time to be up. I do not want to go gentle into that good night. Not yet, anyway.
So I proclaimed this the Year of the Dork. My year. The year I go for what I want. The year I stop 'just being' and try to revitalize a stagnant existence. I will cast my lot into the wind and let it choose my path.
I will not take no for an answer... At least not without a reasonable explanation.
