I realized that I've spent the last several years not actively trying to accomplish anything, not chasing any dreams, just coasting along through life, waiting to die. I wasn't even ambitious enough to try to end it. More like a passive suicide.
Now past 40, in a dead end job and living alone, hours from the nearest hint of family, in a town with nothing left to offer, it has become clear that I have wasted at least half of my life (statistically), possibly two-thirds (based on family history).
Not only am I doing nothing, I'm not even pretending to try and change it. I've even given up the illusion that is New Years resolutions.
But I did make a resolution, of sorts, recently. I decided that I am fed up with certain things that I cannot control and fed up with the lack of action that has left me in that position for so long. I decided there were things I want to do or do again.
I had dreams once, dreams I let go of. Some I forgot. Some I gave up on. Some I just let slip away.
Once I figured all this out, I decided that whether I have twenty more years or forty, I was through just waiting for my time to be up. I do not want to go gentle into that good night. Not yet, anyway.
So I proclaimed this the Year of the Dork. My year. The year I go for what I want. The year I stop 'just being' and try to revitalize a stagnant existence. I will cast my lot into the wind and let it choose my path.
I will not take no for an answer... At least not without a reasonable explanation.
4 comments:
I am so proud of you for writing this and sticking to it. We are all guilty of just coasting in life. I am certainly not where I thought I would be in life. When things happen to us to knock us down, it is easy to stay down, accepting defeat. It would be awesome if we could all see our worth the way that those who love and care for us see it. You know I am here, always. I will help cast your lot in the wind and remove those who try to become obstacles in your way to your year. You know I always have you on your back. Loves and hugs.
Hey, I'm nearly a month late reading this. (I don't read blogs often, but when I do, it's yours and Leslie's.) Still, it's very exciting, and I hope your rekindling is going well! If there's anything I can pray about, or any way I can walk with you on a part of your journey, let me know!
--Jason
Thanks J. I am still struggling with what and where I want/need to be. I keep finding myself sliding between the cracks complacency and apathy. I feel like if I happen to wake up optimistic in the morning, I'm beaten back to that small place again by the end of the day. This tells me I'm not in the right place. I appreciate you reading and commenting and your support.
Thanks, Sonja. I know I can always count on you for anything. I don't know where I belong but it is glaringly apparent where I don't. Love and hugs.
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