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Cinco de Mayo, Oh my, oh

Originally Posted

 To some, today is Cinco de Mayo. To some, it is just Tuesday. For me, today is super special... Better than cheese dip and margaritas. Twelve years ago today (it was a Monday) at 7:46 am (Central), I became a dad. It is a role that I never expected, and honestly, didn't think I wanted, much less needed. I was in my mid-forties and still hadn't grown up, so the thought of being responsible for another human, a tiny living, breathing, helpless being, was terrifying... For everyone. 

But here's the thing: after the initial shock wore off, which was surprisingly brief, I was excited. Terrified, yes, but genuinely excited. At that point in my life, I was excited about a lot. I was in love. I was happy. And now, I was going to be a father... no... a dad. I had a father. I swore I would do better. 

I remember everyone joking about me changing diapers and all the worst parts of parenting a baby, but none of that scared me. What truly scared the crap out of me was failing. Not being there, not being enough, making a mess out of a person, a life. Those are the things that haunted me. Still are. Still do. 

I suppose I could write a lot about the last twelve years of growing up, but this is supposed to be about her, not me. I am proud of the person she is becoming. I guess I haven't screwed her up too badly. I hope one day, when she looks back, maybe after I'm gone, she realizes that I was doing the best I could and I was learning right along with her.

I remember when I was young, I thought my mom knew everything. I went through a period where I fought everything, had to prove everything myself, my way. Usually, the hard way. I wish I could apologize now... for so many things. I hope my kids know how much I love them. 

Happy birthday, Annaliese McKensi. I love you more than I can express. Keep being you. Never let anyone change who you are, and never forget.



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