Tangled in a World Wide Web

      EPOCH /ˈepək/ An epoch is a specific point in time or a distinctive period that marks the beginning of a new era, a significant historical shift, or a reference point for measurements. The term originated from the Greek word epochē, meaning "cessation" or "fixed point". - Merriam-Webster I cannot remember a time when I wasn’t in love with you.  There is a vague and distant memory of someone who looked a little like me, someone who existed, but just barely. A reflection in a mirror, with no before, and no next.  No specific, defining purpose or goals.  Just the now that was then, and the then that was before.      © 2025 Ron W Hamilton          All Rights Reserved

 I recently watched a video; technically, I rewatched a video of a guy doing magic tricks with a very young boy as his "helper". Clearly, the boy was not in on the plan and was having the time of his life. The boy was fascinated and giggling the entire time. His reactions made the entire thing. The magic was good, no doubt, but the pure joy of that child elevated the entire performance. It was infectious. It made me think about how we lose that somewhere along the way as we grow older. The belief in magic, the innocence, the joy. It all changes. I am not saying that adults do not have fun or cannot enjoy a magic show, but it is definitely different. Once you've peeked behind the curtain, so to speak, the great and powerful wizard is just a man, and the magic is illusion.  I think, unfortunately, we treat everything the same way. We watch with fascination and awe, and enjoy the spectacle, but as we get older, we start asking questions. We want to know how. As we dig deeper...

 To some, today is Cinco de Mayo. To some, it is just Tuesday. For me, today is super special... Better than cheese dip and margaritas. Twelve years ago today (it was a Monday) at 7:46 am (Central), I became a dad. It is a role that I never expected, and honestly, didn't think I wanted, much less needed. I was in my mid-forties and still hadn't grown up, so the thought of being responsible for another human, a tiny living, breathing, helpless being, was terrifying... For everyone.  But here's the thing: after the initial shock wore off, which was surprisingly brief, I was excited. Terrified, yes, but genuinely excited. At that point in my life, I was excited about a lot. I was in love. I was happy. And now, I was going to be a father... no... a dad. I had a father. I swore I would do better.  I remember everyone joking about me changing diapers and all the worst parts of parenting a baby, but none of that scared me. What truly scared the crap out of me was failing. Not be...

 April is often equated with Spring and rain, not gloomy gray days, but happy little showers that bring life and beauty. Everything is colorful and lively. But for me, April is a tough month. As I sit here writing this, I am acutely aware that one week from today marks the 12th anniversary of the passing of my mom. It seems unreal even as I type those words.  Twelve years. I don't need a calendar or reminder app to keep up with that. My mom passed 13 days before my first biological child was born. I spoke with her the night before, and that conversation began exactly like every conversation I had with her began for the previous few months... "Do we have a baby yet?" To say that she was excited is like saying Pompeii was a bit warm in 79 AD. The fact that she never got to see my baby or hold her is one I will never get over.  In 20 days, my oldest girl will turn 12, and I can barely believe it. She never got to meet the woman who raised my sister and me by herself. She nev...

I tried to love you, but I’m no good at so many things.   I never had a real role model for father or husband.    My mom was everything. Don’t get me wrong. I do love you, with everything I am,  but it hasn’t been enough.    I am never enough. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be the one…   to get the happy ending of books and movies and fairy tales…   to take my last breath lying in your arms, feeling safe and warm and loved. I used to think that the saddest thing ever was when I first loved you  all those years ago, and then you went away and married him .    You said you “ didn’t want to risk our friendship ”. And so, there I was, without you…   without my love… or my friend;     and here I am — full circle.    © 2026 Ron W Hamilton   All Rights Reserved

I gave you my whole heart, Something I swore I'd never share; and you took it gladly, and even acted like you cared. I shared my whole soul with all my dirty truths and shame, and you took it all in and eased all of my doubts and pains.  I offered my whole life, Everything I am or could be, and you slipped on my ring and you were all that I could see. Until death do us part, nothing would ever change my love. It never wavered once, I even asked my mom above. I don't know what went wrong. I feel like I've gone quite insane, but I know without you, I will never be whole again.  © 2025 Ron W. Hamilton   All Rights Reserved This one makes me cringe. I know it isn't good, but it wanted out, and my mind was doing the best it could in full survival mode. I hope one day to polish it up and make it what I hoped it would be. How many things could I say that about in my life?               Image is AI generated. 

 I needed some time to process this one before I could form words, let alone coherent, cohesive thoughts. That doesn't necessarily mean that it will be better, but I hope it is taken with the respect intended.  We all have our own Kryptonite . Some of us know what it is. Some don't. This week, Brad Arnold of Three Doors Down " left [his] body lying somewhere in the sands of time ", and his words in the hearts and minds of at least one generation. His particular Kryptonite turned out to be a common one... Cancer.  There is, undoubtedly, not one among us who has not lost someone close to us, or at the very least watched someone close to us battle this beast. If the sickness isn't bad enough, the treatment is often as bad or worse. Patients are expected to Down Poison . It's a Dangerous Game . Not everyone wins, but that does not mean Loser . Brad Arnold did not Duck And Run . Just like with his music, he gave his best. Now, as he told us he would, he has passed...

If you've been reading lately, you know I am dropping some old (and not-so-old) writings, mostly poems, here as a backup. I have lost much of my writing over the years, so this seemed like a reasonable plan. So today I am adding a couple of short poems from a few months ago.  I'm not trying to explain much in these blog posts. I am just saving my stuff. Maybe, some of you will know, or glean what's happening. Maybe not. Maybe it will resonate in a different, more personal way for you. As a writer, I think that is as good as it gets.       Midnight in May The oceans don’t have the depth of your eyes, nor does the sky shine nearly as bright. The moon’s tidal forces can’t pull me away. The stars can’t match the gleam. What a sight. There is no sun that can warm me from within, quite like the fire of your touch. Your kiss sustains and satisfies my hunger, slakes my thirst. I crave it so much. My heartbeat matches the cadence of yours. Your love fills my so...

This one came to me on yet another sleepless night, about 2 in the morning, as I lay next to her sleeping, beautiful as always, right next to me, but out of reach.   RWH  8/23/2025   Too Late Too Soon I miss your body wrapped in mine -  two halves that make a whole. I miss your laugh and tender kiss -  the intertwining of our souls. I miss that smile that was just for me, that told the world she's mine.  I miss the hands that once held me when everything was fine.  I miss the way we used to talk about our day, our life. I miss the glow that shone around the day you became my wife.  I miss the man I used to be who felt like he was strong. I miss the way you made me feel like I could do no wrong.  I'm still the man who looks at you like you are just a dream -  beauty that all the years can't hide, that doesn't come from a cream. I'm still the man who wants nothing more  than to always be by your side.  It fills me with a confiden...

  While no one is paying attention, I think I'll use this space and time to dump some writings as a sort of backup. Mostly poems that I've written over the last few months, as my life imploded. I am trying to rebuild, and it is sometimes overwhelming. The future I thought I had, the one I never expected and didn't think I deserved, came crashing down around me. Some might say the past caught up to me, but the present is the worst. I suppose if you're unlucky enough to be reading this, you probably know what is going on; if not, it doesn't matter, because this is just a backup and a catharsis. You're invited to my misery in the form of poetry and other ramblings. Feel free to comment if you want, but please be gentle. These are my rawest emotions, bled out on the page... or screen. This poem is called Dragon Slayer, and I guess even if you don't know me from Adam's housecat, you can figure out the gist of my crumbling world. Dragon Slayer If you'd hav...

 I know it's been quite a while since I have written anything here, and I doubt anyone is paying attention. There weren't many paying attention when I was writing somewhat regularly. A lot has happened since my last post, and I want to use this as my therapy, my catharsis, my outlet, and in some cases just a place to park my ramblings that might seem worth revisiting again, later. I have lost much of my writing... poems and such, that I naively assumed would be safe forever on someone else's website. Between that (twice) and hard copies of older stuff (pre-interwebs) that have just been misplaced or possibly destroyed, I have lost some forever. Occasionally, I lament the loss for various reasons. I know no one else will even notice, but it's like a piece of me that is missing. Before I had kids, I might have described my writings as my children, but that seems a bit strong when I have real breathing offspring that I helped create and hopefully will have a bigger and bet...

Before my daughter was born, I wrote (OK, pilfered, paraphrased, and possibly plagiarized) a blog entry titled 99 things I hope to teach my daughter. Now, here we are, more than seven months in and I thought I'd share seven things I've learned. The things that she's learned had nothing to do with me. The things I've learned are all because of her. There is nothing better than the great big grin on her face when I walk into a room. There is no sound sweeter than her laugh. I can change diapers, wipe snotty noses and clean up spit up without a hazmat suit or throwing up. Not all babies look like aliens (it seems most don't in fact). Babies go through a LOT of diapers and baby wipes. A. Freaking. Lot. Eat, sleep, pee, eat, sleep, poop, eat, sleep, pee, and repeat. I have a lot to learn. (But I've learned a lot.) One bonus item that isn't on the numbered list only because it isn't technically from the baby... Mommy's job never ends. T...

In this month of season finales, I can't help but to consider the shows that last, and those that don't. The ones where you get closure and the vast majority that don't. I can't help but wonder about the shows that run past their prime, and those that "jump the shark" as it were. If I compare my life to a sit-com, I'm long past funny, past stagnant. I've reached the point where the older couple would adopt a child. Or the smarter co-star would die, leaving a flailing, less than whole cast and a fading star to change careers and/or maybe adopt a kid. I don't see me adopting a kid and there is no co-star, so I suppose it might be time to look for a spin-off. New job, new city, hell if I'm lucky, maybe a hot, new co-star. Or maybe this show has had its run. Maybe it doesn't get renewed or a spin-off. No new Darren, no new neighbor or landlord. Maybe it's time for the traveling one-man show... Shatner style. If Kirk can become Denny Cr...

So I'm watching TV and the disembodied voice of Tim Allen asks, "where is your road to happiness". I'm not sure what that has to do with soup but it made me think. What is my road to happiness? Did I miss the exit? Am I even in the right town? There is no GPS for the road of life but I'm pretty sure if I had one it would sound like Dean Winters in a Geico commercial... "recalculating". I realized that I've spent the last several years not actively trying to accomplish anything, not chasing any dreams, just coasting along through life, waiting to die. I wasn't even ambitious enough to try to end it. More like a passive suicide. Now past 40, in a dead end job and living alone, hours from the nearest hint of family, in a town with nothing left to offer, it has become clear that I have wasted at least half of my life (statistically), possibly two-thirds (based on family history). Not only am I doing nothing, I'm not even pretending to try ...

The words are borrowed but the sentiment is mine... Yesterday, When I Was Young Yesterday, when I was young, The taste of life was sweet, as rain upon my tongue, I teased at life, as if it were a foolish game, The way the evening breeze may tease a candle flame The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned, I always built, alas, on weak and shifting sand, I lived by night, and shunned the naked light of day, And only now, I see, how the years ran away Yesterday, when I was young, So many happy songs were waiting to be sung, So many wild pleasures lay in store for me, And so much pain, my dazzled eyes refused to see I ran so fast that time, and youth at last ran out, I never stopped to think, what life, was all about, And every conversation, I can now recall, Concerned itself with me, and nothing else at all Yesterday, the moon was blue, And every crazy day, brought something new to do, I used my magic age, as if it were a wand, And never saw the worst, and the emptiness ...

It's been a while since I've posted on here. It's funny, I think fairly often during the course of a week, "Wow, this would make a good blog" or "I should blog about that" . Inevitably, life takes its toll and time slips away and my procrastination chalks another mark in the win column. It seems the only time I actually do stop to write here, is when something makes me mad or I'm feeling a bit bluesy. This week has been like that. Actually, I've had a couple of rough weeks. At the beginning of last week, I had a problem with my brakes on the truck, so I parked it until I could get it in the shop and decided to drive the old green beast that inexplicably keeps on ticking, barely. I drive to work and I even drive it to Burger King for lunch, but when it's time to finally go home about ten hours after I got there, I get in and the tire is flat. Not low, not slack, the tire is completely devoid of air. I call a friend to come get me and take me h...

According to this page , a good translation of the words "auld lang syne" is " times gone by ." Play the tune. Well, another year is gone and I must say, "Good Riddance!". This has been a year of many disappointments and shortcomings... mostly mine. I suppose I should have known what the year would be like when I went to the doctor 3 times before the middle of February. I had been to the doctor, maybe 3 times in the previous ten years. I should have seen it for the portent that it was. It hasn't been all bad. If you get past the miserable first 5 months that I was sick and the traffic stop that nearly turned into a COPS episode on Easter Sunday; forget the home invasion, the murder of my brand new camera and the vandalism of my car all in May and June and gloss over the joke that my job has become since July; if you can look past all that plus my car being totaled last month , well the rest was just an average year. Above Average I suppose it sounds li...