Full Circle

I tried to love you, but I’m no good at so many things.

I never had a real role model for father or husband.

My mom was everything.

Don’t get me wrong. I do love you, with everything I am,

but it hasn’t been enough.

I am never enough.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be the one…

to get the happy ending of books and movies and fairy tales…

to take my last breath lying in your arms, feeling safe and warm and loved.

I used to think that the saddest thing ever was when I first loved you

all those years ago, and then you went away and married him.

You said you “didn’t want to risk our friendship”.

And so, there I was, without you…

without my love… or my friend;

and here I am — full circle.

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In the Arms of the Angels

Three weeks after my last post, I lost my mom, quite suddenly. It's been nearly four months and I am no closer to understanding, no closer to acceptance, and certainly no closer to OK. This, just two weeks before my beautiful daughter was born. Mom had been so excited about my first child. A child no one ever expected. A grandchild she had given up on. (Yes, she has four awesome and monstrously talented grandkids she saw daily, but none from me.) At forty-five (when we found out) no one was as surprised as I was. No one was more excited than my mom. Every time I talked to her, she asked (usually her first words) "do we have a baby yet". The last time I called (the night before the morning I got "the call" was no exception. I told her soon. We talked about how we would get up there as soon as we could after so she could see the baby. I told her I would call her again soon. She sounded tired and I didn't want to aggravate an already delicate balance. (Another...

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Seven Things I've Learned in Seven Months

Before my daughter was born, I wrote (OK, pilfered, paraphrased, and possibly plagiarized) a blog entry titled 99 things I hope to teach my daughter. Now, here we are, more than seven months in and I thought I'd share seven things I've learned. The things that she's learned had nothing to do with me. The things I've learned are all because of her. There is nothing better than the great big grin on her face when I walk into a room. There is no sound sweeter than her laugh. I can change diapers, wipe snotty noses and clean up spit up without a hazmat suit or throwing up. Not all babies look like aliens (it seems most don't in fact). Babies go through a LOT of diapers and baby wipes. A. Freaking. Lot. Eat, sleep, pee, eat, sleep, poop, eat, sleep, pee, and repeat. I have a lot to learn. (But I've learned a lot.) One bonus item that isn't on the numbered list only because it isn't technically from the baby... Mommy's job never ends. T...

Tangled in a World Wide Web

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